If the year 2020 has taught us anything, it should be:
“Even normalcy has an expiration date.”
This year has brought forth much emotion across the entire globe. Together the world has experienced the indirect destruction of COVID19 & possibly the end of society as we once “knew” it.
Many people have lost loved ones as a direct effect of the unrelenting virus. Others were forced to place their business ventures on hold, while many business Owners live on the very brink of indefinitely closing what they have built over decades. Without a doubt, I can openly say, “2020 has been anything, but “normal.””
As the last several months have passed, each month more peculiar than the last, I began to look over my life. Here I am, sitting at my favorite table, in my favorite writing space, quarantined. In the house with nothing but time to reflect & visit or should I say to ‘revisit’ my past.
Am I healed & as grounded as people have described me to be, or am I internally “quarantined” with the pain of my past? I was always sure in my healing, but maybe it’s time to dig deep & be certain that suppressed emotions are not lying dormant. “Let’s Do THIS! I am ready.”
I’m an advocate for many things, one being Self-Care & the other, Self-Awareness. Both tie together, each separate & unique on it’s own.
While self-care is learning to nurture the person you are at the moment, self-awareness is learning to embrace the person you are becoming along the journey. It’s becoming knowledgeable of your own presence in the world. Learning to accept life’s trials & tribulations that shape you and push you toward healing.
In moments of pain we learn that normalcy is not normal. However, in order to find that place of healing we must go through the lessons to arrive renewed.
On September 26, 2011 my mom passed suddenly. There were no signs of illness lurking, no complaints of pain, no talk of death preparation....nothing! I was awaken out of my sleep to my mother laying in her bed, still & motionless. My heart died. I can still remember the day as if it were happening this very moment. Mostly, I recall the experience of having to live without her.
Is it me or has COVID19 created an invisible void? It’s as if we are living in a world where everything is the same & yet inaccessible.
After mom’s burial I felt this same void. The world & people around me were moving forward, but all i felt was the emptiness, very real & all up in my space. Though everything still available, the option to build memories with her were wiped away.
The realization that she was not accessible & I would eventually have to carry on without her made me feel cold & heartless for dreaming beyond that moment. I wanted to LIVE in the moment of GRIEF. Why? Because it was better than trying to convince myself that I deserved to live life without her.
How could I go on to fulfill dreams while she is no longer able to celebrate them with us?
Hurt is never the same for two people. We feel & handle pain differently, in essence, we will each arrive at different places of healing in our journey. As with the death of my mother, I am certain that my sister & brothers were hurting too. However, I was not able to pull them out of the hurt, until I could learn to grow IN the pain I felt.
Emotionally, I was unavailable to assist them.
Remember when COVID19 first hit? Across the nation people were stocking up on household essentials. There were some people stocking up for the purpose of surviving this moment & then there were those whom were HOARDING out of FEAR & PANIC & even out of pure selfishness.
The journey of healing is setup the same way. There are those who seek healing wanting to gain wisdom, understanding & experience growth for their life & then there are people claiming to be healed for their own selfish purpose of appearing more desirable to those learning to heal.
Ever set out to help a friend or family member later to discover that the help they needed was much more than you could handle at that time because you were facing some things too?
I knew my siblings wanted healing, but they showed they weren’t ready. Honestly, I couldn’t blame them, I understood. So, I did what I could; I filled refrigerators, gave money to help with bills, came to visit more often, cooked dinners, stayed available for late night phone calls....I gave what I could while I was learning to heal IN my hurt.
Healing is an entire process of choices BEFORE the journey begins. I had to make up my mind to be as selfishLESS as I could during this time. Being honest, I wanted to be selfish. I didn’t want to make any more memories with anyone. I didn’t want to be happy I wanted to wallow right there!
There were times I was tore between my own healing & wanting to help them. I had hard choices to make...I needed to make choices that would lead me out of the hurt. Not pretending, but truly finding myself IN the moment & desiring to come out of it on purpose!
I needed to be able to stand before anyone/anything. I was open to allowing my journey of healing to take me through whatever came my way. I made the choice to let go of toxic relationships, friendships, family members & negative memories that had no place. I made the choice to find out who I was even though my mom couldn’t physically be by my side.
It was NOT easy, it was necessary.
Eventually, I learned that seconds/minutes/hours/days given were a blessing to be used for a greater purpose. I learned that saying, “no” to others gave me the freedom to be able to say “yes” to myself. This journey has given me the ability to often revisit the memories of her with gratitude in my heart for being blessed with such an amazing mother. I am able to understand that all things, including normalcy has an expiration date despite how familiar it is to us. I am appreciative of small infrequent moments, knowing that one day they may not be.
Not living in GRIEF, but celebrating the choice to live through the pain & to come out renewed from each life lesson. I am closer with God & stronger than before. Yes, I will revisit old memories that were once meant to break me & yes, I may speak of how I use to hurt, but I don’t live there. Sharing these stories remind me that hurt can humble the heart & heal the faults within us.
So, what does it mean to be healed from your past?
”Never look back leave the negativity in the past, look ahead to a new and positive future.” Keysha P.
“Recognize and learn from it [past], don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Allow it to change you for the better and grow from there.” Irene @CBiz Media Detroit
“...able to process the pain until it no longer dominates your thoughts, actions or emotions. To experience forgiveness towards others and your wonderful self.”
Sparkle @J.E.C (Josiah’s Educational Consulting)
“...to make authentic peace with it [past]”
La’Ray @Thoughts of a Blog Queen & Pink Tea Chronicles
“Thank you everyone for your feedback on “Healing.” I truly enjoyed writing this piece & I pray that my experience can help someone else. Self-Care is not always pretty because sometimes we are not sure HOW to care for ourselves because the person we are or are becoming is unfamiliar to us...have patience & be kind to yourself.”
Visit the shop for self-care goodies that you deserve!
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Awesome blog topic! I never knew about your Mom. So sorry for your loss. That's a major life changing moment! Thank you for sharing your insights. Healing is a process that I believe is continuous. A journey to wholeness 💖
ReplyDeleteThank you. I appreciate you kind words.
DeleteYes, I have to say I do agree. Healing is continuous. The loss of my mother was so sudden & drastic that I had to learn how to operate in the hurt/pain/confusion etc...along the way I have found pieces of me that require work as well.
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